I Am Afflicted.

One of my biggest problems has always been to admit that I am not doing great. People would ask me how I am and without thinking about it, I would reply “Good”. Plaster a smile on my face, and make it seem like things were going okay. I think it’s one thing to admit to yourself that life is not good, but a completely different thing to admit that to others. There seems to be pressure to have everything figured out, I’m a Christian afterall. Should I not simply be able to trust in God, know things will work out and have joy in my suffering? Well, not really. Kind of. They are all true, but that doesn’t change that fact that right now, things may really suck.

Currently, one of my biggest fears is that our family will be separated for much longer than we were expecting. We weren’t expecting to be separated at all before all this, but doors seem to close on a regular basis. It has been hard to hold onto hope and to convince myself that there will be an end to all this madness. So, yes. I am not doing good right now. Life sucks.

Every scenario possible has been running through my head. Did I not pray hard enough, good enough? Did I miss something? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? I’ve layed awake trying to figure this whole thing out. My conclusion? I have no darn clue. I don’t have an answer why life sucks right now, and yes, I can come up with the Sunday School answer that says ‘God will use this’ and ‘something good will come out of this’, but my heart doesn’t really want to believe that right now. Because it sucks.

I have had moments where I have been angry at God, quoting Bible at him, showing him that what he is doing goes against what he has promised. I’ve pulled the line of “God, you love your children and you love family, so why are you tearing this one apart?” I have questioned if God has abandoned us, given up on us. I have told him that if he wants to teach us something, could he please do it in a different way.

The last 3 months have been pretty lousy. The last month a little more so than the previous 2 months. The next couple months will be long and hard, exhausting and frustrating. Have there been good moments, yes. But I am not going to deny the fact that right now, life really sucks. That I am Afflicted.


Roller coaster Ride

This last month has been many things. It’s been one of the hardest months I have had in a long time, but at the same time it has been incredibly rewarding. Overall, it’s been a crazy journey.

I never imagined that I would spend over a month in the hospital with my two-month old son who could not have been any healthier. Well, at this point he is three months old (time flies!)

This stay has been nothing but a mystery. It’s completely nerve wracking not knowing what is going on but knowing that the things that are happening are rather serious. It has taught me that I need to trust God and trust in the abilities that he has given the doctors at the hospital. (Which is hard to do when they look you in the eye and say “we have absolutely no idea”)

I have seen hope this last month. Many children going home to be with their families, many children improving significantly.

I have felt hurt this last month. It breaks my heart to see this poor little guy like this.

I have seen joy this month. From my son. Despite everything he is going through he finds a reason to smile and learn new things.

I have seen community. I have been overwhelmed by the support and love we have gotten from everyone around us.

I have seen many more things. It’s been a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing and a curse. It’s hard. I hope that one day I can look back and say “that was worth it”. What a roller coaster.

Sacrifices of Motherhood

As I am thinking about the sacrifices a mother needs to make for her children, I am holding my sweet little boy who is – finally – sleeping while my stomach is crying for some food. I am leery to put him down because I really want him to sleep, knowing it will make him feel better, seeing how he’s been having a little bit of a rough day. Then again, I also know I need to take care of myself. What a toss-up. If only there was a simple answer to things like that. The last six week of my life have been absolutely crazy. I have learned what it means to sacrifice more in the last six weeks than I ever have. Sacrifice sleep, food, a good relaxed shower, my sanity, my body, and many other things. So why on earth would someone do that willingly? I can see at least two good reasons:

1) Because it’s worth it! Being a mother and seeing the smiles on your baby’s face makes all the long hours absolutely worth it. Every bit of it. To think that one day my sweet little boy will be all grown up is mind blowing. He’s so tiny and helpless, and one day he may be holding his own bundle of joy. Need I say more?

2) Because God sacrificed  The sacrifices I have to make, by getting up in the middle of the night to take care of my little guy are nothing compared to the sacrifice God made. I cannot even imagine letting my son die for someone who spits in my face. I cannot even imagine letting my son die for someone I like. My sacrifice is actually really, really small compared to God’s.

Well, I put my son down and it didn’t take long to give me those sad eyes and start crying, so, while my bagel is toasting I shall end this post to feed my precious little boy

How to survive in a ‘cellfish’ world

First of all; yes, I know that the word cellfish does not actually exist. So let me tell you where it came from. It is a lovely combination of cell phone and selfish. So why put the two of them together? Because we have become extremely selfish due to cell phones. Don’t believe me? How often do you see this:

You ask your friend to meet for coffee because you need someone to talk to. You meet up and before you can even begin to tell your story, your friend is on his/her cell phone not even paying attention to what you have to say. Seem selfish? I think so.

We are living in the world where spending time with people has become something that we do not do. Is it not ironic that when we spend time with one person, we are texting another and when spending time with the person we previously texted with we are suddenly paying attention to the person we hung out with before. Weird, is it not?

Why can we not simply enjoy the time we are spending with our friends? Why do those flashy screens have to come in between our relationships?

Have you ever noticed that when your cell phone makes any sort of noise, you have to attend to it right away? It is almost as if we believe that if it does not get our immediate attention, it may die. Just letting it lie there after it’s notified us of something that is probably not important, seems impossible. We cringe and imagine who would want to talk to us.

What about when your phone does not make noise for a while? You still check it, just to make sure you did not miss the ring while you were browsing Facebook or Youtube, don’t you? And if it really has not made any noise for a while, you will start a conversation with someone just to hear it? To me that sounds like an addiction.

We are addicted to our cell phones and it is making our life absolutely miserable. You may argue this point because you think that you are happy. You feel wanted because you phone may constantly be ringing, but what about actual face-to-face conversations? What happens when you walk into a room of people. You probably feel lost because you do not know how to interact with them. So, what happens next? Out comes the cell phone.

Don’t get me wrong, I am completely guilty of this as well. I feel the need to bring my phone with me just in case someone needs me. We have the need to know that we are available if someone happens to need us, why? Because we need to be needed and wanted. And it totally makes sense, it’s in our genetic make-up. It is important for us to be needed by people, just as much as we need people. Which is why this generation has become so miserable.

We often pretend we are happy, but at the end of the day we are missing one of the most crucial aspects to human survival – human touch and interaction.

So how do we stop becoming so selfish and let go of those shiny little devices? We need to re-learn the value of spending time with people face-to-face and see how much better it is for us. It is crucial for us to make sure that we do not lose the skill of human interaction? Absolutely. If we cannot do it for ourselves, let us do it for our children. What kind of a world will they grow up in? They won’t know what it’s like to interact with other people because they will be stuck behind a screen. So once again, let’s stop being so selfish.


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Dear Daughter, Dear Son

Having watched my husband interact with my son throughout the last four weeks has been an absolute blessing. It has also reminded me how crucial it is for fathers to be there for their children and to be a good example. It leaves children hurt when their fathers do not fulfill their role, but rather walk away, leaving them on their own to try and figure out who to be in this world. Usually I have more words to write, and in a sense I did, even about this topic. It will just be presented a little bit different – I hope you enjoy.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWnCYs14p0U


Being depended on someone is one of the hardest things to do – for me at least. I like to get things done on my own, it makes me way more comfortable. The idea of letting someone else into my life to the point where I am dependent on them makes me cringe. That means being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means opening myself up. Opening myself up means sharing what’s really on my heart…and so on.

I have always been an independent person, even when I was a kid. I would be the kind of child who would get things done on her own, and I loved it. It meant that I did not have to rely on someone else to pull their weight – which means trusting people. So, now I have come to the conclusion that dependence equals trust. And trust, trust is hard. Harder than dependence. Then again, one cannot really go without the other. That got me thinking; is the fact that I do not like being dependent on other people due to the fact that I cannot trust people? Or am I simply too stubborn or prideful to accept help?

I think in a sense it is hard for anyone to be dependent on someone else. It takes away our humanness in a sense. We want to be independent, get things done, be able to take pride in what we have done. This makes me wonder; what does God think of all this? We are ultimately dependent on Him, in every aspect. Now that’s a big pill to swallow. The fact that I am dependent one someone…someone I cannot even see. The fact that everyone on this planet is on the same boat as me (that brings a little bit of comfort).

Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to be able to be dependent on others, or at least let them into my life to a level where I can be vulnerable, I need to first become more dependent on God, so that I can understand what it means and so I can develop healthy guidelines and boundaries. It’s a journey, a tough one, but a rewarding one.

This Poem came to me one evening after the power went out at my house and I sat in the dark (which I hate by the way):


I am sitting here in a dark room,
no power, only see a flashlight gloom.
No running water to wash my hands,
to watch TV, there is no chance.

I feel my way through every inch,
this must be a dream, I need a pinch.
I trip and fall up the entrance stairs,
‘We have no power’, a voice declares.

So much we depend on nice, cooked food,
or else we’re in a bad mood.
So much we depend on light in our house,
now I feel small, small like a mouse.

No running water or light on demand,
why I feel so lost, I do not understand.
So much we depend on these earthly things.

God is a God who gives and takes away,
who saves those who have gone astray.
So why do we not depend in Him,
like we depend on every single earthly thing?