Being depended on someone is one of the hardest things to do – for me at least. I like to get things done on my own, it makes me way more comfortable. The idea of letting someone else into my life to the point where I am dependent on them makes me cringe. That means being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means opening myself up. Opening myself up means sharing what’s really on my heart…and so on.
I have always been an independent person, even when I was a kid. I would be the kind of child who would get things done on her own, and I loved it. It meant that I did not have to rely on someone else to pull their weight – which means trusting people. So, now I have come to the conclusion that dependence equals trust. And trust, trust is hard. Harder than dependence. Then again, one cannot really go without the other. That got me thinking; is the fact that I do not like being dependent on other people due to the fact that I cannot trust people? Or am I simply too stubborn or prideful to accept help?
I think in a sense it is hard for anyone to be dependent on someone else. It takes away our humanness in a sense. We want to be independent, get things done, be able to take pride in what we have done. This makes me wonder; what does God think of all this? We are ultimately dependent on Him, in every aspect. Now that’s a big pill to swallow. The fact that I am dependent one someone…someone I cannot even see. The fact that everyone on this planet is on the same boat as me (that brings a little bit of comfort).
Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to be able to be dependent on others, or at least let them into my life to a level where I can be vulnerable, I need to first become more dependent on God, so that I can understand what it means and so I can develop healthy guidelines and boundaries. It’s a journey, a tough one, but a rewarding one.
This Poem came to me one evening after the power went out at my house and I sat in the dark (which I hate by the way):
I am sitting here in a dark room,
no power, only see a flashlight gloom.
No running water to wash my hands,
to watch TV, there is no chance.
I feel my way through every inch,
this must be a dream, I need a pinch.
I trip and fall up the entrance stairs,
‘We have no power’, a voice declares.
So much we depend on nice, cooked food,
or else we’re in a bad mood.
So much we depend on light in our house,
now I feel small, small like a mouse.
No running water or light on demand,
why I feel so lost, I do not understand.
So much we depend on these earthly things.
God is a God who gives and takes away,
who saves those who have gone astray.
So why do we not depend in Him,
like we depend on every single earthly thing?