One of my biggest problems has always been to admit that I am not doing great. People would ask me how I am and without thinking about it, I would reply “Good”. Plaster a smile on my face, and make it seem like things were going okay. I think it’s one thing to admit to yourself that life is not good, but a completely different thing to admit that to others. There seems to be pressure to have everything figured out, I’m a Christian afterall. Should I not simply be able to trust in God, know things will work out and have joy in my suffering? Well, not really. Kind of. They are all true, but that doesn’t change that fact that right now, things may really suck.
Currently, one of my biggest fears is that our family will be separated for much longer than we were expecting. We weren’t expecting to be separated at all before all this, but doors seem to close on a regular basis. It has been hard to hold onto hope and to convince myself that there will be an end to all this madness. So, yes. I am not doing good right now. Life sucks.
Every scenario possible has been running through my head. Did I not pray hard enough, good enough? Did I miss something? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? I’ve layed awake trying to figure this whole thing out. My conclusion? I have no darn clue. I don’t have an answer why life sucks right now, and yes, I can come up with the Sunday School answer that says ‘God will use this’ and ‘something good will come out of this’, but my heart doesn’t really want to believe that right now. Because it sucks.
I have had moments where I have been angry at God, quoting Bible at him, showing him that what he is doing goes against what he has promised. I’ve pulled the line of “God, you love your children and you love family, so why are you tearing this one apart?” I have questioned if God has abandoned us, given up on us. I have told him that if he wants to teach us something, could he please do it in a different way.
The last 3 months have been pretty lousy. The last month a little more so than the previous 2 months. The next couple months will be long and hard, exhausting and frustrating. Have there been good moments, yes. But I am not going to deny the fact that right now, life really sucks. That I am Afflicted.